Why do I always seem to have this problem???

So, once again, I decided it was time to talk to my best friend and try to understand exactly what makes me so horrible, and once again, I chickened out.

After spending last weekend with her, her girlfriend, and two of their friends, I thought for sure I’d be fine. But I’m not.

And I am so close to rock bottom I can almost touch it. 

I just want to curl up and sleep until the world stops turning and I don’t have to worry about being such a goddamn wreck all the time. I hate that I’m such a disappointment to everyone I meet. 

I just want to be good enough. Just once. Just for one person. 

I want someone to see me as better than I see myself. I want someone to tell me everything is going to be just fine. I want someone to not let me push them away when I feel like I’m falling down. I want someone to fall with me, to shield me from the impact, and then to help me stand up again.

I want to know how to ask for these things. I want to be better than I am. 

But most of all, I just want someone to say that they’re proud of me. 

I’m so sick of feeling like everyone I know is ashamed of me, or that they even have a reason to be. I’m so sick of being alone. But I don’t know how to be anything else.

I don’t react the way I should.

I don’t know how to react properly to normal human interactions. I freak out when people touch me. I never know how to start conversations with people. I don’t know how to tell people what is wrong with me…

Half the time, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me…

And I am terrified that I will always be like this. 

A few months ago, I asked my best friend who I am.

Her response was this:

“You’ve always been the same person, you’re obnoxious and thick headed you probably care too much and sometimes you go about it the wrong way. You make mistakes and sometimes you’re right even if I hate to admit it. You treat me like shit sometimes but that’s just how it is. You’re over emotional and hurt easy but you’re not really a bad person. Sometimes I think you try too hard but a lot of times you need to do what you want regardless of other people. You’re harsh and overbearing but that’s who you are. Sometimes I fucking want to punch you in the face but I know its the same for you. You have potential to do something great with your life, but I feel like you pass it by because you don’t want to deal with it and I wish you would. I’ve known you far too long, and I probably know you better than anyone. And sometimes it’s creepy how much you know about me. But it’s cool. And that’s who I know you are.”

I still don’t know how to react to this. Every time I even think about it, it makes me want to cry. To know that my best friend sees me as this horrible heap of wasted potential…it’s worse than the look of disappointment  received from my parents when I left CSUMB. 

I want to be better.

No.

Scratch that.

I don’t want to be better.

I don’t want to be good.

I just want to be good enough for the first time in my life.

I want to be the friend I’ve always told myself I am.

But I don’t know how.

And I don’t have anyone I can ask to help me.

So I’ll wait.

Just like I have been.

I will wait until someone finds me, and sees me for better than I am.

I will wait.

Because I don’t know what else to do.

I will wait.